연애할 때 기억해야 할 불편한 진실(hard to swallow pills)

연애할 때 기억해야 할 불편한 진실(hard to swallow pills)

 

1. 연애하다 보면 자기 정체성을 잃기 쉽지만, 다시 찾기는 훨씬 더 어렵다. 친구·취미·자기 삶을 반드시 유지해야 한다.
   “Losing your identity within a relationship is easy to do. Finding it again isn’t. Remember to keep your friends and hobbies.”
2. 사랑은 언젠가 ‘미쳐있는 사랑’ 상태가 아니라, 차분하고 일상적인 것으로 변한다.
   “Eventually love is not being ‘crazy in love’ all the time.” ​
3. 파트너의 성격 중 어떤 부정적인 면은 끝까지 안 바뀔 수 있고, 어느 선에서는 그걸 받아들이거나 떠나야 한다. 나도 마찬가지다.
   “At a certain point, you have to accept some particular negative parts of your partners personality or move on. My husband is almost 50. We’ve been married for over 20 years. While he will continue to experience personal growth, there are parts of his personality that are likely to not ever change. The same is true for myself, of course.” ​
4. 내가 아무리 모든 걸 잘해도, 관계가 깨질 수 있다.
   “You could do everything right and still lose.” ​
5. 누군가를 사랑한다고 해서 꼭 함께해야 하는 건 아니다. 관계에는 사랑 이상의 요소(가치관, 생활, 책임 등)가 필요하다.
   “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should be with them. A relationship needs more than love.” ​
6. 연인은 서로에게 기본적으로 친절해야 한다. 반복적인 욕설, 고함, 고의적인 상처 주기 등을 “연인 사이니까 그럴 수 있다”고 받아들이면 안 된다.
   “Your partner should be kind to you and vice versa. It’s not okay for your partner to scream at you or curse you out or deliberately hurt your feelings. This isn’t to say that it never ever happens, we all are human and occasionally we mess up. But if they are not consistently kind to you, if they aren’t sorry when they are mean, and if they repeat it then that’s a problem. If you wouldn’t accept the behavior from a friend then you absolutely should not accept it from a partner. The idea that it’s normal for your partner to be mean to you is so freaking bad and I’ve seen way too many people accept crappy relationships because they think love means never having to say sorry and that getting screamed at is acceptable.” ​
7. 좋은 관계는 둘이 같이 만드는 것이다. 한 사람만 노력하면, 그 사람이 지치는 순간 관계도 무너진다.
   “It takes two to be in a relationship. If one person is putting in all the effort and the other isn’t, it’s eventually all going to fall apart when the one who is giving the effort stops. Great relationships are mutual.” ​
8. 눈치만 보게 하거나, 상대가 내 마음을 ‘알아차리길’ 기대하지 말고, 불만이나 서운함이 있으면 직접 솔직하게 이야기해야 한다.
   “They aren’t going to magically know you’re upset with them. They aren’t going to read your passive-aggressive signs. They aren’t going to pick up on that. Be direct. If you are upset, talk to your partner about it. Not your friends. Not you parents. Not strangers on the internet – your partner.” ​
9. 좋은 관계는 불안과 스트레스의 주요 원인이 아니라 안정과 위로의 원천이어야 한다. 관계가 늘 힘들고 지치게 한다면 건강하지 않은 신호다.
   “You should not be anxious about the relationship all the time. You shouldn’t be stressed about if they love you or if they’re going to leave you or if they’re out cheating on you or what they’re thinking. It shouldn’t be a major source of stress, in fact if it’s a good partnership both of your lives should be easier. The old adage about relationships being hard work isn’t really accurate, being with them shouldn’t be hard or a battle. It’s more accurate to say that a good relationship takes effort, like you should both be striving for open communication, handle conflict in a healthy way, make each other happy but it shouldn’t be exhausting or hard or stressful to be with them. They should be a source of comfort.” ​
10. 둘 다 좋은 사람이고 서로 사랑해도, 현실적인 여러 이유로 관계가 뜻대로 안 될 때가 있다.
    “Sometimes things don’t work. Even if both parties are objectively wonderful people. Even if they love each other and enjoy their lives together. Sometimes things just get in the way and force you to make a hard choice.” ​
11. ‘나의 다른 반쪽’을 찾기보다는, 스스로 하나의 온전한 사람(정서적 자립 포함)이 되는 것이 먼저다.
    “You can’t look for someone else to be your ‘other half,’ you have to learn how to be a whole person on your own. This means being able to take care of your own emotional needs, too.” ​
12. 사람은 시간에 따라 변하고, 둘이 모두가 같은 방향으로 변해갈 거라는 보장은 없다. 과거의 행복 때문에 현재의 불행한 관계에 계속 매달릴 필요는 없다.
    “People keep changing as their life goes on, and there are no guarantees that you and your partner will change in compatible ways. Someone can be your soulmate today, but in a year the person they’ve become may not be the soulmate of the person you’ve become. While you shouldn’t simply give up on a relationship the moment you hit a rough patch, you also shouldn’t let a happy past keep you in a miserable present.” ​
13. 이별이나 이혼을 했다고 해서 그 관계 전체가 ‘실패’였던 것은 아니다. 성공한 관계의 정의가 너무 좁게 이해되고 있다는 지적이다.
    “I hate the idea that a relationship ending in a divorce or break-up means it’s a failed relationship. People have too narrow a view of what a successful relationship means.”  ​
14. 바람피울 사람은 내가 아무리 감시해도 바람핀다. 휴대폰 검사, 위치 확인 등으로 바람을 막을 수는 없다.
    “If someone is gonna cheat, there is no stopping them by checking their phone, messages, where they go or whatever. They’re gonna cheat regardless.” ​
15. 어떤 관계든 내 정신 건강을 해친다면, 그 관계는 그 자체로 가치가 없다.
    “If it endangers your mental health, it’s not worth it.”